It's Not About Violence
Oct. 28th, 2009 06:43 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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jaredchrisTitle: It’s Not About Violence
Author: KliqzAngel
Series: Make Me Want You. Make You Want Me
Sequel to: I Knew Not What I Had
Actor: Jared Padalecki and Christian Kane
Pairing: Jared/Chris
Word Count: 633
Content: M/M Relationship, Dom/Sub Relationship, Dark Violent Sex, Angst
Prompt: Beat
Rating: NC-17
Summary: There is no replacement for everything you've ever wanted.
Previous Parts: Here
It used to be so easy to get what I need before he came into my life and educated me. Before he came and taught me what it was I really need. It used to be so easy to convince the random faceless partner to add in a slap here, a spank there, painting it as a little extra added excitement, pretending that was enough.
It used to be easy to get from him what I need before I went and threw it all away, before I let that other me take what it is I need so bad. It used to be easy and now it’s hard. It’s so hard to get what I really need. There are so many that aren’t like him, but pretend they are. There are so many that think they understand, but they don’t. There are so many that are willing to try, that think violence is the answer. They beat me ‘til I am raw. They bruise and bleed and break and then leave. They leave me to take care of myself. As if I know how. As if I wouldn’t need them if I knew how to do that. As if I wouldn’t have needed him if I knew how.
It used to be easy and now it’s hard and I am pretty sure am never going to get any of it back again.
I wince and cry out which only earns me more as he strikes and breaks and screams. Every second that goes by reinforces what I already know. He isn’t Jared. They aren’t Jared. Jared isn’t replaceable. Jared isn’t something I will move on from or get over and his lose is not something I am going to survive.
Lying in my bed I seek that strip of leather in my sleep until I wake up with scratches on my neck and sometimes blood under my fingernails. Where there was arrogance there is now only defeat. Where there was anger there is now only anguish. Where there was love there is now only loss. Where there was him and us there is now only I and me. I need him.
The thing is people are starting to notice. Aldis, Beth, even Timothy notices the difference I think. I’m always sore, and bruised, and in an unending stage of recovery that never really starts because the infliction of the hurt won’t end unless I get him back.
But getting Jared back won’t happen. I know that. I understand that. I just can’t accept that because if it’s true I may as well die today, right here, right now. I can be one of those freak on-set deaths that people will whisper about for years citing conspiracies and myth.
There’s one small ounce of hope though that keeps me going. That belief in that small part of me that is really me that trusts him to know when I am ready to accept him back, ready to accept for real this time. Until he does, until he knows, I just continue my cycle. I scratch and claw my way through my day hoping to just be able to fool everyone enough for one more day, that I don’t lose this too. I’m not sure it’ll last much longer though. I’m not sure if something doesn’t happen that there will be no more Elliot next season.
I can’t stop though. It’s almost a sickness now. It’s almost an obsession now. It’s become my own personal penance, my self imposed prison until I deem myself good enough again, until I know that I can accept I can’t keep the dark away on my own again.
I am broken.
I am defeated.
I am beat.
Jared, please save me for without you I am lost.
The End
Author: KliqzAngel
Series: Make Me Want You. Make You Want Me
Sequel to: I Knew Not What I Had
Actor: Jared Padalecki and Christian Kane
Pairing: Jared/Chris
Word Count: 633
Content: M/M Relationship, Dom/Sub Relationship, Dark Violent Sex, Angst
Prompt: Beat
Rating: NC-17
Summary: There is no replacement for everything you've ever wanted.
Previous Parts: Here
It used to be so easy to get what I need before he came into my life and educated me. Before he came and taught me what it was I really need. It used to be so easy to convince the random faceless partner to add in a slap here, a spank there, painting it as a little extra added excitement, pretending that was enough.
It used to be easy to get from him what I need before I went and threw it all away, before I let that other me take what it is I need so bad. It used to be easy and now it’s hard. It’s so hard to get what I really need. There are so many that aren’t like him, but pretend they are. There are so many that think they understand, but they don’t. There are so many that are willing to try, that think violence is the answer. They beat me ‘til I am raw. They bruise and bleed and break and then leave. They leave me to take care of myself. As if I know how. As if I wouldn’t need them if I knew how to do that. As if I wouldn’t have needed him if I knew how.
It used to be easy and now it’s hard and I am pretty sure am never going to get any of it back again.
I wince and cry out which only earns me more as he strikes and breaks and screams. Every second that goes by reinforces what I already know. He isn’t Jared. They aren’t Jared. Jared isn’t replaceable. Jared isn’t something I will move on from or get over and his lose is not something I am going to survive.
Lying in my bed I seek that strip of leather in my sleep until I wake up with scratches on my neck and sometimes blood under my fingernails. Where there was arrogance there is now only defeat. Where there was anger there is now only anguish. Where there was love there is now only loss. Where there was him and us there is now only I and me. I need him.
The thing is people are starting to notice. Aldis, Beth, even Timothy notices the difference I think. I’m always sore, and bruised, and in an unending stage of recovery that never really starts because the infliction of the hurt won’t end unless I get him back.
But getting Jared back won’t happen. I know that. I understand that. I just can’t accept that because if it’s true I may as well die today, right here, right now. I can be one of those freak on-set deaths that people will whisper about for years citing conspiracies and myth.
There’s one small ounce of hope though that keeps me going. That belief in that small part of me that is really me that trusts him to know when I am ready to accept him back, ready to accept for real this time. Until he does, until he knows, I just continue my cycle. I scratch and claw my way through my day hoping to just be able to fool everyone enough for one more day, that I don’t lose this too. I’m not sure it’ll last much longer though. I’m not sure if something doesn’t happen that there will be no more Elliot next season.
I can’t stop though. It’s almost a sickness now. It’s almost an obsession now. It’s become my own personal penance, my self imposed prison until I deem myself good enough again, until I know that I can accept I can’t keep the dark away on my own again.
I am broken.
I am defeated.
I am beat.
Jared, please save me for without you I am lost.
The End
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no subject
Date: 2009-10-28 11:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-30 11:25 pm (UTC)You could always break Chris yourself! *whistles innocently* Ya know. If the mood strikes.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-29 05:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-30 11:21 pm (UTC)It's never too late to be fixed.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-29 06:12 am (UTC)*snuggles chris*
Naww make Jared come baackk!
Hehe awesome writing hun!
no subject
Date: 2009-10-30 11:19 pm (UTC)