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jaredchris2009-10-27 08:16 pm
kliqzangel.livejournal.com) wrote in jaredchris2009-10-27 08:16 pm
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The Worst Deception is to Deceive Yourself
Title: The Worst Deception is to Deceive Yourself
Author: KliqzAngel
Series: Make You Want Me. Make Me Want You
Sequel to: Can I Forbid You From Breaking My Heart?
Prompt: Deception
Actors: Christian Kane and Mentions of Jared Padalecki
Pairing: Christian/OMC, Mentions of Christian/Jared
Content: M/M Relationship, Dom/Sub Relationship
Word Count: 411
Rating: R
Notes: You may wanna read the first two stories first!
Summary: If you’re trying to deceive even yourself, you should know there’s a problem.
Previous Parts: Here
If I close my eyes, I can almost pretend that it’s you.
I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not supposed to be doing this. You forbid me. You think you know best. But you don’t understand. You can’t. If you did you would not have left me here. You would not have abandoned me.
Abandonment, that’s what it is. That’s what it has to be. It’s the only way for me to justify what I am doing. To deceive myself.
I’ll do anything to justify what I am doing. I’m lying to you. I’m lying to myself. The worst thing is that it isn’t even enough. What I’m doing, what I’m getting isn’t enough, because it isn’t you and he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what I want; he doesn’t know what I need. He doesn’t know what buttons to push, and won’t let me tell him. Hell, to be honest I’m not sure I would even know what to tell him if he’d let me.
He isn’t you and this isn’t us and it isn’t going to work, but I can’t stop it. I can’t because I need it and I’ve come too far down the wrong road to turn around and start over. I’ve broken so many rules and I know you wouldn’t forgive me. I believe you wouldn’t forgive me. I don’t trust you would forgive me.
So I hide it all behind false anger and a big show of bravado and arrogance because I can’t admit to myself that I’m the one who is taking everything away from me. I’ve buried all this knowledge. This portion of me that knows all this is buried so far down that I don’t think I could ever find it. The other me is so strong I don’t know as I can ever break free from him.
Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe this is best. Maybe I don’t deserve anything else. Maybe I know exactly what I am doing because this is where I should be after all. Maybe I don’t need Jared. Maybe I just haven’t given the others enough of a chance. Maybe it’s all fool’s play. Maybe I am right where I belong.
Somewhere in my head is Steve, which is an odd voice and explains why I disregard it. But, somewhere is Steve telling me that the worst deception is one where you not only deceive others, but you also deceive yourself.
Shouting for more I earn myself more punishment and dive headlong into my own deception.
The End.
Author: KliqzAngel
Series: Make You Want Me. Make Me Want You
Sequel to: Can I Forbid You From Breaking My Heart?
Prompt: Deception
Actors: Christian Kane and Mentions of Jared Padalecki
Pairing: Christian/OMC, Mentions of Christian/Jared
Content: M/M Relationship, Dom/Sub Relationship
Word Count: 411
Rating: R
Notes: You may wanna read the first two stories first!
Summary: If you’re trying to deceive even yourself, you should know there’s a problem.
Previous Parts: Here
If I close my eyes, I can almost pretend that it’s you.
I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not supposed to be doing this. You forbid me. You think you know best. But you don’t understand. You can’t. If you did you would not have left me here. You would not have abandoned me.
Abandonment, that’s what it is. That’s what it has to be. It’s the only way for me to justify what I am doing. To deceive myself.
I’ll do anything to justify what I am doing. I’m lying to you. I’m lying to myself. The worst thing is that it isn’t even enough. What I’m doing, what I’m getting isn’t enough, because it isn’t you and he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what I want; he doesn’t know what I need. He doesn’t know what buttons to push, and won’t let me tell him. Hell, to be honest I’m not sure I would even know what to tell him if he’d let me.
He isn’t you and this isn’t us and it isn’t going to work, but I can’t stop it. I can’t because I need it and I’ve come too far down the wrong road to turn around and start over. I’ve broken so many rules and I know you wouldn’t forgive me. I believe you wouldn’t forgive me. I don’t trust you would forgive me.
So I hide it all behind false anger and a big show of bravado and arrogance because I can’t admit to myself that I’m the one who is taking everything away from me. I’ve buried all this knowledge. This portion of me that knows all this is buried so far down that I don’t think I could ever find it. The other me is so strong I don’t know as I can ever break free from him.
Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe this is best. Maybe I don’t deserve anything else. Maybe I know exactly what I am doing because this is where I should be after all. Maybe I don’t need Jared. Maybe I just haven’t given the others enough of a chance. Maybe it’s all fool’s play. Maybe I am right where I belong.
Somewhere in my head is Steve, which is an odd voice and explains why I disregard it. But, somewhere is Steve telling me that the worst deception is one where you not only deceive others, but you also deceive yourself.
Shouting for more I earn myself more punishment and dive headlong into my own deception.
The End.
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